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color me blind
There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind. - So Long And Thanks for All the Fish by Douglas Adams |
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about the author
A female member of the homo sapiens species
(warm-blooded, omnivorous, currently alive) Diet includes walrus diarrhea, preserved portions of man-made worms cooked in boiling water and the outermost layer of flesh of eggs that have been incubated, raised, beheaded, plucked and fried in oil. Extremely unpredictable, high-five on sight. tagboard
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[edit: All this crap keeps coming out of my head. Please ignore, once again. Blogs are meant for venting stuff on anyways. Excuse my warped sense of logic also.] Meh, I bought four more books today. The limit was actually supposed to be two but my mum said compared to the ten I bought last time, this was good already. There is this book, called Anything but Typical. It's about this boy with autism. autism: a variable developmental disorder that appears by age three and is characterized by impairment of the ability to form normal social relationships, by impairment of the ability to communicate with others, and by stereotyped behavior patterns. In my opinion, it's not really because they can't form normal social relationships. It's because of what we define as normal. And as Jason said, the NTs (neurotypicals) talk more than they listen. And I find that I can really relate to his thoughts. Like, I had some of the exact same ones before. Quoting time. Neurotypicals like it when you look them in the eye. It is supposed to mean you are listening, as if the reverse were true, which it is not: Just because you are not looking at someone does not mean you are not listening. I can listen better when I'm not distracted by a person's face. What are their eyes saying? Is that a frown or a smile? Why are they wrinkling their forehead or lifting their cheeks like that? What does that mean? How can you listen to all those words when you have to think about all that stuff? - Anything but Typical Because when someone is talking, it's only the words that really matter, right? Completely what I was thinking, in school. Everyone says look at the speaker, when they're speaking, to give them respect. Listening. 1: to pay attention to sound <listen to music> 2: to hear something with thoughtful attention : give consideration <listen to a plea> 3: to be alert to catch an expected sound <listen for his step> Nowhere does it mention anything related to sight. I don't like to look at people when they're speaking. Their actions and everything, they distract me. Looking at a blank surface, I can picture their words better. I got in trouble before for not looking when someone is speaking. If you were up here presenting, would you like the whole class to not be paying attention to you? I answered yes. That was an honest answer. Only when you want to get a message across, do you want people to pay attention to you. When you are up there fidgeting and wishing you could crawl under a rock, all you want is for no one to be paying attention to you. I have never done a class presentation to get a point across. And I have never known anyone that did. We just do it for the sake of doing it. Which brings my train of thought to honesty, of course. Honesty? The best policy. But really, I have no idea how to tell the difference between honesty and bluntness. Or as some people say, rudeness. Because, apparently, to be polite you must lie. I hate it when people ask me whether I like the present they gave me. It's not really their fault if they got me something I didn't like, because they can't read my mind. And my mind is very rarely open in terms of presents. But when they ask if you like a present, they obviously expect you to say yes. How wonderful it was. How thankful you are. What if you didn't like it? A lie? Say you do? Or honesty, say you don't? A lie for the sake of politeness? Or rudeness for the sake of honesty? Some people consider that a white lie. But there's really no difference between a white lie and a lie. What does it matter what color your lies are? It's still a lie. A white lie is harmless, they say. Harmless or not, they are still lies. And I have seen that the smallest of lies can sometimes hurt the most. When I was young, I hated using the electric toothbrush. I hated the noise and how it made my hand vibrate. I lied that I used my electric toothbrush when I used the normal one. It earned me a thrashing. My mother ended up crying. Overreaction? I'd say not. Because a small lie is still a lie. And lies grow. There are no small lies, no white lies, no harmless lies, no big lies. There are just lies. The term 'a white lie' is just something people stick on to prevent themselves from feeling guilty. Or, as some people say, they're just giving truth mixed with a little lie. Truth mixed with a lie becomes a lie. Lies don't blend in with the truth. They can't be mixed together. They may seem to be mixed, but in the end they are really apart. They can't become a compound. Like a drop of ink, in a beaker of water. Does the drop of ink become water, just because it is mixed with water? Do you give the beaker to someone and say, 'Look, here is water'? It's still water and a drop of ink. Because I don't talk much, my mother thinks I am not feeling. For my mother, talking about feelings and feeling feelings are the same thing. But for me they're not. - Anything but Typical I love this passage. I wish everyone would know it. Get this, and get this now. - Marked Not talking about feelings doesn't mean I don't have any. I just don't want to share it with you. Or I can't tell what I'm feeling. Feelings are meant to be felt. Not to be put into words. Just because I don't act happy doesn't mean I'm not happy inside. I was perfectly contented one day, when someone asked me why I was so sad. I told them I was not. They didn't believe me. They told me that if I was happy, I should act happy. Let me tell you this. There are different people. And different people show their happiness in different ways. Feelings are meant to be felt. Not to be used to calculate our physical response to it. I am happy today. So I shall skip around smiling like an idiot, so that everyone knows I'm happy? Don't assume from my actions or facial expression that I'm sad. As most people know, my facial expressions are practically equivalent to those of a puppet. But when I'm around family/friends, you will usually see me smiling like an idiot, as I said. Then you say you've never seen me this happy before. Just because you don't see doesn't mean I'm not. If you want to know my mood for whatever reason, just ask. I will tell, if I know. But if it's neutral, don't pity me. Just because I'm not happy. I'll feel like slapping you. I will tell you what is necessary. And only that. Because telling is usually easier than showing. Actions speak louder than words. They are also harder to do. White Fang would not cheapen his love for his love-master. I agree with that. Emotions, for me, are really not to be taken lightly. Take crying for example. You cry when you fail your exams. You cry when you get an injury. You cry when someone says they don't love you. You cry during grad night. You cry when you miss someone. You cry when you have mood swings (lol). You cry when you quarrel with someone. You cry when someone badmouths you. You cry when someone backstabs you. You cry when you don't get what you want. You cry when someone dies. What are your tears worth then? Giving them away like fliers. When something that really matters comes, your action of crying has already become meaningless. Are you inhumane if you cry when someone close to you dies, but not cry when the millions of people in the world die? No one would say that. It's because they all have a different value to you. Such as all these things have a different value to me. If I cry for every one of them, they have become worthless to me. When a relative of mine died, I didn't cry at first. I did feel sadness. But I couldn't cry. We weren't very close. But my father was crying. I tried to blame it on myself, and forced myself to cry. If you don't show your sadness, does that mean you don't feel it? They all have a different value to me. You say that I don't love. I second that. Maybe my definition of love is completely warped. I've forgotten how to love. Or maybe I never felt it properly in the first place. What I thought was love before was just a small part of what everyone else felt. What I thought was obvious, you couldn't see. Do I read so much into everything, that it's amplified? Like the way I think I'm smiling, but to everyone else, as I'm told, my face just looks expressionless? Or maybe that kind of thing is just too much to feel. That's why it overflows so often. Because I'm afraid to forget. It's like changing masks. On the outside, I'm feeling the same thing as everyone else. On the inside, there's nothing but the confusion of nothingness. And that's close to the best case scenario. Maybe I do feel it. It just doesn't last. Like a container with a hole in it. Try to fill it. The water flows in, but it doesn't stay. Some might say that's not feeling at all. Forcing oneself to feel something appropriate. It kind of sucks. But feeling for me is really feeling. I can't take the feeling and say, this is what I feel, so I should behave in this way. I probably take the word 'feel' too literally. I feel, but I don't let it affect my actions. So people think I don't feel at all. And now it just gets harder and harder. Because some emotions have to be shown. If not they're meaningless. And people just don't trust what you say. Even if you really do mean it. I've forgotten, but not what I expected to forget. Oh well. Practice makes perfect I guess. This was basically influenced by the book and some small incidents in my life. I really do think too much -.- Just not for things like homework. Oh, we're so dead. |